Friday, 13 March 2015

You are not alone! This is how you can handle depression!

I must confess, I have a big problem out of many problems that fill up my small clustered cupboard. I get upset when I am not able to achieve a goal that I have set for myself. I try to get my mind off the failure by watching a movie and usually it turns out to be a sad selection. The upset further increases and turns to frustration.

Guide - How to handle depression?

Understanding You: Depression

Five years back falling asleep was as easy as reading a book to me. If I wanted I could sleep over any worry and any sadness. Sleeping was my one and only medicine to all problems. However, now even that seems to be a big problem.



This is what depression does to you. You try to sleep but you can't. Your mind crowded with thoughts of you unable to achieve the goals that you have set for yourself. You twist and turn in your bed till tears start rolling down yours cheeks. You remember everything from your childhood. All that you miss, all the people you spent the major time of your childhood with, the things you told them, the way you separated from them. It all comes back to you. Your mind starts stimulating the thoughts and increases the uncomfortableness. It is uneasy. By the time you fall asleep it is time to get up and waking up can be really painful.

Guide - How to handle depression?

Understanding You: Depression

You wake with a drowsy feeling. Your head aches. You get ready, have too much of caffeine and the time and adversities at the office increase your disgust for life.

You try to motivate yourself by going through random self-motivating posts. You share them with the whole world. You send out affirmations because that is what 'The Secret' tells you. However, life is still the same.

You have failed and you are failing and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Death seems to the only way or succumbing to the suffering.

You are not alone. Look around you. You are reading this. You alone do not suffer this unpleasant disease that you refuse to accept is a part of your life now. Forget what the society feels and says. Think about yourself. You need to get over it.

Dear friend, if you need help, or anyone you know needs help, we are just a call away.

Here is how you can change your life. Here are the remedies. Embrace it. Share it. Do not shy away.

Guide - How to handle depression?

Understanding You: Depression

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Feedback form story

It was 11 PM. She was transfixed in her laptop. It was time to shut the shop. He walked towards her. "Ma'am, it is time to shut the shop." She did not hear. She had her earphones on, and he heard her listening to Jason Derulo. "Real intense," he thought. He said once again, "Ma'am?"

She was trying to write something, at least she had managed to write two sentences compared to yesterday's two words. As she was listening to the song and trying to write at the same time, she saw a shadow hover around her. She finally looked up, the man in the green apron and black shirt and she saw his lips move. She read, "M-A-A-M. Ma'am." She quickly removed her earphones, "Oui?" She corrected and said, "Yes?"


"Ma'am, it is time to shut the shop. It is past 11 o'clock." He tapped his wrist watch. She got a little unsettled. She flustered. "What am I supposed to do," she wondered. "Cheque please," she requested. The man stared back at her. "Has she been drinking?" She looked back, he saw her staring at her. She got a little irritated. "What?" She asked. "You have already paid," he said.

She snapped at herself. "Damn!" She looked at the man, she noted his black shirt and green apron, once again. She tried to read the name but gave up. She needed an eye check-up, it has been long pending. "Sorry, my bad. I forgot." He replied, "No worries." He turned to walk back, but he stopped. He turned back. She saw him put his hand inside his pocket and took out a paper. And she thought, for once it is going to be a gun.

"Will you please fill up this form?" He asked. She took the paper from his hand and started reading it. "Feedback," it read. She sighed. She wondered, "They still exist?" She said, "Yes I will." She sat to fill it up." He waited. He saw her put her hand inside her bag. He thought, "She spends so much time in her laptop. Am so sure, she does not have a pen." But, at that time, she took a fountain pen and started scribbling. "They still exist?" He wondered.

He waited, as she finished filling up the form. While she was filling up the form, from the corner of her eyes, she saw him, staring at her, watching her hand and fingers move. "Disagree. Agree." She finished. "There," she handed over the paper and kept the pen inside. He took it, disappointed at the pace it got over; said, "Thank you." And started walking towards the counter.

As she was packing her stuff, the man returned. The others in the shop by now had shut the front doors. The side door of the shop was open. She was the only customer. One of them had shut the fire alarm by now and lighted a cigarette, near the window, with a small opening, making sure the seniors did not notice. But they did. One of them joined him, followed by five others. Another four cigarette came out. One of them refused the offer of the cigarettes. She thought, "He does not smoke." However, at that moment, he took out a rolling paper and started rolling a joint. She sighed.

He was still standing, as she saw all that happen in front her and pack her stuff. "Oui?" She said, once again. "Are you french?" He asked. She smiled and said, "No." He stopped and wondered. She waited for him to talk. He did not. She looked at him, now, straight into his eyes. Two coloured, she said to herself, "Heterochromia iridum." She ignored, as she started to notice him properly now. Six feet, may six feet two inches. Blonde, wavy hair. Pink lips. Stubble. Brown eyebrows. "Might have coloured his hair," she told herself.

She finally asked, "Yes, how can I help you?" "Should have not said that," she told herself. He saw her. He noted, he noted that she was checking him out, subtlety.

"You said in your feedback that you wanted the staff here to be a little more friendly." He waited for her to say something. She was not listening. She was watching his lips move. He continued, "So, here I am. Hello. Sorry, if you think we are not friendly." And he extended his right hand.

Her gaze broke. She saw his hand coming towards her hand. She waited, she waited for the words to reach her mouth. "Hey, I did not mean that." She did not extend her hand back.

"It is okay," he said. "You come here every day." He wanted to say more, but he stopped and took his hand back, inside his pocket. She saw him wanting to say more.

"Yes, I come after work." She replied. She wanted to now run. The conversation was leading somewhere, she did not want.

"Yes, I know. I am sorry if I am stopping you. But, just wanted to make sure that we are not unfriendly. You come here every day, you are an important person in... life," he stopped and ended the sentence.

She was not looking at him anymore. She had finished packing her stuff. After four cups of coffee and two double-meat sandwich, she was not expecting this conversation. She picked up her bags and looked at him now.

He saw her dump all her belongings inside the bags. He understood that she was not comfortable with this conversation. And now she was looking at him. He wanted. "Another step towards her," he thought. But, instead he said, "The door behind is open. The staff leaves from that side." He did not want to complete the sentence. However, he did, "You can too."

Before he could say anything else, she turned around and started walking. He saw her walking away. But, wait. She stopped and she walked back. "Can I have the feedback form, that one" She pointed at the paper in his hand.

He stretched his hand and gave it to her. She took his pen from his breast pocket. He did not see that coming, but in slow motion saw her hand reach for it and her hand return, near the paper. She handed scribbled something back on the paper and handed it over to him, once again. She said, "See you tomorrow." And she disappeared.

He wanted to reply but could not. He looked at the paper. It read "Strongly Disagree. Except one guy. He was friendly. Even though he forgot to mention his name."

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Turning 25: My Birthday Wishlist

I have never felt excited about my birthdays. The month February itself makes me feel depressed. It is my birthday month, but either I fall sick or something annoying happens. And, my birthday gets wasted.

During school days, my birthdays used always to clash with final exams. I could not enjoy much. And more so because the next day exam always turned out to be Science exam and later on, Physics exam.

I clearly remember my birthday in 2003. The World Cup was taking place in South Africa. India was to play England on my birthday. Next day was Physics exam, and I knew I would do horribly horrible. However, I did not care. Inside my physics book, I hid the Harry Potter book. I always used to get a Harry Potter book as my birthday gift from my parents. I started reading the book around 7 PM and by 11PM, it was over. Yes, I was a fast reader back then. Plus, a mad Harry Potter fan. I also remember Ashish Nehra's match-winning six-wicket haul against England and my father narrating the story next morning on how Nehra got dehydrated and was seen struggling due to the heat. I remember it all; including the fear and anxiety when I was handed the Physics question paper next morning.

During school days, the only exciting thing about my birthday used to be the Harry Potter books and sometimes Tintin.

I cannot remember my first birthday after I joined college. My second birthday was a wonderful one. We hang out at my friend's place, who recently got married. I remember my friend's mom surprising me with a cake, another friend bringing a rose for me and all of us somehow ended up wearing black-coloured attires. I remember planning out how we will buy a bungalow and name it Gothic Village and stay together. Then the lunch at the small Chinese restaurant. I remember all that happened after that.

The next year, we were too busy with the upcoming final year exam, plus, we had the big fall-out.

I cannot remember how I spent my birthday during my university days. All I remember is giving treat and clicking pictures. It was nice.

But, my most favourite birthday has been spent with my sister. The way I was pampered, I guess I will never be :)

Anyways, the point of writing all these was, my birthday is coming. I am going to be 25. I am already on the mission of writing letters and sending it all the people who had asked for one. If you didn't ask for one, you probably missed a very big opportunity!

However, along with that I have also been asked by many people on what I want on my birthday. Well, I have decided to write out 15 things that I want. Some of them are really funny. But, please feel free to gift. Don't be ashamed in asking whether you can gift anyone of them. You can, by all means, YOU SHOULD. I am not shy about asking for one, why should you be? :P

Plus, if you do decide to gift anyone of the gifts from the following list, please ask and let me know before you do so. As, I don't want multiple people giving me the same gift. You have 23 more days to decide and ask and buy. So go ahead. Feel generous.

And the lists —

1. Xiaomi 10400 mAh power bank: I have for a long time wanting to buy this. However, something always stopped me from buying it. But, my birthday is coming and you can gift me this. Here is it, the best in the lot, reviewed by Phone Radar. - Booked!

2. Kindle WiFi Ereader: Again, another thing I have been wanting to buy but didn't. I buy a lot of books. However, you know how much books take away space and all that comes with it. Even though am a purist when it comes to book, I have decided to move on, and you can help me do it! Buy and gift from here!

3. Parker Vector Fountain Pen: I love fountain pens. They are classic. I need one. No more reasons. And I want this colour one - Link to buy. - Booked.

4. Star Wars T-shirts or merchandise and  Batman T-shirts or merchandise: I am big Star Wars fan. I have padawan braid. What is it? Check here. And, WHO DOESN'T LOVE BATMAN?

5. Perfume: Well, a lady need to smell good.

6. Wrist watch: At one point of time, I had seven wrist watches. Now I have only two working. One for casual wear, one sports wear. You can always gift me the party wear :P :D

Here you go, an example


7. Rasta Beanie cap: I want one. I cannot handle my hair. Black coloured rasta beanie will do. Don't fret.

8. Coffee Mug: I was thinking of buying one for the office, but now that my birthday is here, you can gift. Link. - Booked.

9. AN EARPHONE. MY TWO YEAR OLD JUST DIED. Links - One, Two, and Three.

10. Gym Membership: Don't you want me to stay in good health and look good? What are you thinking? Go ahead! Ask and gift one!

11. Beauty package deal: Yes, you would want me to look my best on my birthday! That too 25th!

12. Dinner or Lunch deal: I am planning to go for lunch or dinner at some awesome place. Your gift would be a great relief!

13. Heavier Than Heaven: I want this Kurt Cobain book! I WANT I WANT I WANT. GIFT ME.

14. ED SHEERAN IS COMING TO MUMBAI. YOU CAN BUY ME A TICKET :D

15. Meet Dalai Lama: If you can help me in whatsoever possible way to meet His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, I will be ever grateful. And that, will be, always my greatest gift in life.

Other stuff that you can gift me - My Amazon Wishlist Link :P

HAPPY GIFTING. I AM WAITING FOR ALL OF YOUR REPLIES, ESPECIALLY YOU KNOW WHO ALL!

P.S. Stop gifting tiffin boxes. Please.

Monday, 19 January 2015

Understanding You: Depression





Depression - /dɪˈprɛʃ(ə)n/ - feelings of severe despondency and dejection. "self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression". a long and severe recession in an economy or market. "the depression in the housing market"

Imagine yourself, sitting on a chair, in an empty house. Your mind is full of thoughts, starting from wanting to become someone great to destroying your life, because you believe you won't be able to achieve or attain that state of prominence.

Imagine yourself in a crowded room. You are in an animated mood. You are conversing with people. People are intrigued by you, you entertain them, they love you. But, inside you, you are not sure, you do not believe anything you say.

Whatever, you have been doing at this point of time, till this very moment, you judge everything. You wonder whether life itself is true. Going to sleep is a problem for you, waking up is worse.

You don't want to share this with anyone, not even the man who loves you, not even the family that dotes on you. You are scared that they will be scared and they would want to take care of you. However, you want to be alone, you are unsure whether they will understand you, in this struggle.

You thrive for love, longing, peace, stability. But, you don't believe that it is worth that pain, it is worth that wait, or time, or energy.

You take double the time to write one sentence; you take triple the time to satisfy yourself by sentence, you have just written. Next morning, you regret that yesterday ever happened.

You are suffering, and you want to be cured. But, you are too ashamed or too unconfident that people will understand. Your whole life has been about running away from the truth, escaping from the very meaning and purpose of your life.

Impulse rules you; rationalism irritates you. You hallucinate; you soliloquize.

You stare, you think about what you are trying to think. There is an emptiness inside your heart and stomach, it is being filled up by oblivion. You close your eyes, you want to sleep, but you can't. Your mind is stimulating thoughts, too fast for you to put in a pensive and analyse it later.

It is morning, you need to get up. Three cups of tea, seven cups of coffee. Caffeine is your best friend. At night, alcohol is your husband. And, scag is your extra-marital affair.

You are not surviving. You are a living death. And then, pop. It's over.

You have woken up from the dream. Was it psychosis?

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Happy Married Life, My Friend

7:49 PM, January 17, 2015. I am sitting on the one of the wrought-iron chairs that we have at our rented apartment in the City of Dreams. There is a pillow and blanket lying on the sofa, the Television set is running on mute. A Vicks lozenge's wrapper is lying on the floor. The centre table have two used tea mugs, one chocolate biscuits packet, open, half-filled. And, a water bottle, half-closed.

For the last two hours, I have been sitting on this place, wondering what to do. I do not like spending the whole day at home. I hate holidays. It suffocates me, idles my brain. An idle brain is devil's workshop. I am very sleepy. Probably, over-slept.

I try to write, but cannot. My brain is not working. I think of drying the clothes that are lying in the washing machine, but I am too lazy to. I think of going out, but I check my bank account summary. I am ashamed. All I can do, is sit and hope for this night to pass quickly.

I look at my laptop; I have been working whole morning. I don't feel like touching it anymore.

I pick up my cell phone. Browse through my contact list. My eyes narrow down to one of my best friends. She is getting married tomorrow. January 18. I have sent her bunch of flowers. All I wanted to send her, is a note, a poem, a book, I don't know. But, something lyrical. Not flowers. They don't allow you to just send a greetings card. Bad for their business.

I have known her for eight years now, is it? I am very bad at mathematics. We did not became friends so easily. My first year at college, was, kind of political. It is somewhere at the end of my first year, that we became friends. How? One day I just simply decided to stop sitting where I used to and move to where they used to sit. It was not welcomed, kindly. But, she and her friends, did not raise voice too.

Rest is history. Tea breaks, tram rides, Some Place Else, Boncharals, etc. Poetry, write-ups, David Daiches, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Tree Trunk, Maroon 5, Jane Eyre.

However, nothing comes easy. No relationship is supposed to be easy. As our college lives came to an end, our friendship got diminished too.

Albeit, when you have been friends, have been so close friends, distance pains. We got back, we worked our way back into the relationship.

It was not easy. We were in different cities, our lives had changed. We were different people. There was a gap of three years, in between us. We remained in touch, may not be as close and good friends, as once we were.

Few weeks back, she broke the news. She was getting married. I suddenly felt cheated. No, not because she was not marrying me! But, somewhere I knew in my heart, I had moved very far.

I read my other two friends get excited over her wedding. And, I wonder, where I am in my life.

Ran away from home, from friends, from love, from the city that taught me to dream.

She is special. I vividly remember her handwriting, the letters we have exchanged. The Reader's Digest, lying somewhere in my cupboard, back at home.

I feel like Bunny, from Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani. Best friend is getting married, but I cannot make it. I have been listening to Kabira on the loop. I will sleep my way. Sadly, I cannot just decide to pack my bags like Bunny, and surprise her.

Minutes before I started writing this, I suddenly remembered, or rather it struck me - Mr. Rochester and Jane never got to be with each other. I guess, it was written in the star.

Remember? One afternoon, as we waited for SD to arrive and teach us Francis Bacon, you told me, "Why don't write something big, something for the Booker?" I laughed. I still laugh. But, I knew and still know, you never told me or anyone that you did not believe in.

Thanks, for the best days of my life. I may be different, I may be 2,002 km away from you (Yes, 2,002, I double checked), but you will be a very special friend for me.

I hope you find happiness, that you always dreamt of. You are the most practical person I have met in my life. I wish, sometimes, the way few things turned out, in our lives, it never happened. But both of us, know that few things happen for the best.

Always, love you.

PS - Remember the house, we used to dream of? Four rooms, each to ourselves and vacations? It still can happen. And, you will need a lot of cancer sticks till you are fully done with the ceremonies. Stay, happy.

Happy Boncharal Wedding!!!


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