Usually you feel guilt for hurting someone, behaving rudely, for an act that should have not done and all. Even if you unknowingly hurt or injure anyone, you feel guilty and the feeling remains and keep on pinching you until you are forgiven. But have anyone ever felt guilty for having to share good moments, guilty of good old memories, guilty that you had spent wonderful times with someone and then everything ended? Guilty for saying the truth and losing a precious thing for it?
Many would say it's regret, anger but I will call it guilt. My sister's mail, expressing her desires took me back to all those times when I have felt guilty for having spent good moments. But what's new is that feeling guilty for saying what my heart felt. Because after that nothing changed, what it was before, it remained that way. My friend says, it 'Takes Time'. Yes, may be I am expecting too much. But someone had once said -
"Nothing can ever be more scary than keeping thoughts, wishes within yourself."
When you speak out something that keeps on bugging you, you feel released and nice and comfortable. If at that moment the saying is taken in positive way, you are on Cloud no 9'. But I don't feel like that. Why don't I? I feel guilty for letting the truth out coz now whenever I am made to speak or face....it reminds me that the secret is out and nothing is same. It has become a barrier.
I could have kept it a secret forever inside me. I could have rather would have bore the tickling sensation. Or I madly wish that what I said for, comes to an effect. It 'takes time', yes but for once let the word 'chance' enjoy itself, once, coz the barrier needs to disappear or the guilt feeling will remain. It is not that I am looking for a second chance but for the first only! There have been moments, like my sister says, that makes your day, sometimes months. I am not asking anything for myself but all I want is a moment that will make me feel - "There is nothing to feel guilty about" and that will make me say - "Thank goodness, I had told what I feel then".
I will wait for those moments. I know none of us is sleeping, everyone's awake, we are all avoiding and ignoring the fact with our smiles and giggles, but for once let us not ignore. For once let us take a step to start breaking the barrier coz see I am badly feeling guilty. I never wanted to write this post, something really personal, but in the past I have lost a good friend for telling the truth, however, that truth was of different kind.