Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Dear Bengali boy, what’s with the accent?


Before you give me a stupid reason that you studied in some St. Bla Bla School or some convent where the brothers and their fathers made you pay fine if you didn’t talk in Angrezi, let me tell you something, I studied in one of those St. Bla Bla Schools too. And if you say my English is poor and I don’t speak proper English, well let me tell you once again, I did my grads with English Honours and I came 1st among girls and 2nd in the whole class, so cut the crap.

What’s with the fake accent my boy? Like “I-Am-Soon-To-Move-Out-Of-Bengal-Soon-To-Be-A-NRI” accent. When you pronounce “What” it sounds like “Howot”, your fake English makes it hard for me to wonder in which part of the city you come from. I am damn sure Prof Higgins would have quit his hobby cum profession hearing you ‘speek’.

And what is wrong in those Jeans that never seem to fit your waist. Are you trying to become one of those zero-figure models or is it that you are out of belts? No matter how fat you are, they always seem to go down, down and down. Gives me a feeling that you guys are more desperate than the porn stars who are always ready to drop their pants!

I don’t get the point of you all wearing fake Puma, Adidas, Reebok apparels and trying hard to convince your friends that it is “O-ri-genal”. I know you guys are real jealous of your North Bengal species whose style of dressing and even the way of their upbringing has made many girls go gaga. But dearest I would prefer my Bengali Boy and not Bong Dude to wear a simple White Kurta-Pyjama rather than a Levi’s t-shirt whose fabric has faded with the first two wash or the Gucci jeans whose print spells – GUCHI.

And please note, even I love wearing flippers to work or classes but I seldom give in to the idea. Thanks to our SOOOPER CLEAN city. So please stop wearing those flippers that never get cleaned and whose red colour looks like some copper artwork on your feet. Please note, girls have a fascination and obsession about clean shoes and feet, so next time you come with long nails, dirty feet, I will probably end up buying you a Vim Bar and Scrotch-Brite.

And gosssssssh what is wrong with your choice of tattoos? Being Human t-shirts were sustainable but a Being Human tattoo? Are you a human being?

As for the hair part, not everyone looks good with those long spiked hair. Please note in this whole world there can be only one JIM MORISSON or Kurt Cobain. And Dhoni isn’t your distant relative and neither is John Abraham. Even they have cut down so please go to some Salon and fix those oily swallow’s nest on your head.

Boy, I know you earn around 30K a month. Which is quite good if you are living in Kolkata however it goes beyond my imagination when you flaunt your ID card of that IT industry where all of you want to work? And the next time you try flaunting to me that “Look I work in IBM”, let me tell you, no girl is interested in your profession; at the end of the day all they want is their guy is well settled and has a respectable job.

We all would love to see a simple, down to earth, no wannabe-desperate HUNK guy instead of a guy who seems like as if he is going on a national level competition of “I got to compete with DELHI-MUMBAI-BANGALORE DUDES”. For god’s sake, we are all Indians, born into different cultures. You don’t like Rabindranath Tagore, cool, there is no harm in that but please don’t have to fake that you know so much about him and love his songs and lyrics so much that you mix Bideshini or Bhindeshi.  Bhindeshi is Chandrabindoo’s song and yes Chandrabindoo, Cactus, Bhoomi and Fossils aren’t the only bands in Kolkata. There are more.

No I don’t want to go with you to the same Park Street restaurants every time we go on a date. Park Street is not the end of the world. It is no Hogwarts and the only sustainable place in Kolkata. I love Park Street but am tired of your Flurys, One Step Up, The Street Café, Oly Pub dates. I prefer a Babu’s Hotel now. Gosh we have gone there so much that every time I visit those places with my friends now, the waiters come and ask, “Madam how are you? Sir kaise hai?”

Can you please stop being the DJ or the RJ while traveling in the bus, train or auto? It’s really irritating. Already there is so much of noise and then you come out with your TWO SPEAKER WALA CHINESE HANDSET playing some KUMKUM title track which I'm sure your mother has also stopped watching.

You want a girlfriend? Please find in your close circles. Stop courting people in the metro or while she is crossing the road or waiting for a taxi. You will probably get bashed up by her brother’s hooligan-friends. Yes you never know which family she might belong to.

And no you are no intellectual and the only educated chap in this city. Please stop watching only those faltu BODYGUARD types of movies to prove how much you know about cinema. Also if you don’t like metal songs don’t go to metal concerts and mosh to break chairs, desperately trying to prove what a BIG metal head you are. This act of yours will only prove what big ARSE you are.

Stop complaining that you’re EX was a dumb. I have finally discovered why there are plenty of dumb girls in Kolkata. They were invented to cater your sick minds. So you deserve them more than anything else in this world. They are your personal trophies. Equal to Oscars. And before you start bashing up those real nice guys, the rare species who are sadly already engaged or have fled away from this city or has grown up in a different city, DUDE, zip your jeans and wash your hands, they stink.

Thanks to you, Kolkata is going from red to green, green and greener. Very soon, we will have to travel on cow pulled cart coz sincere thanks to your great knowledge in politics you have selected such beautiful leaders who are damn busy about degenerating Kolkata. Thanks to you, I think twice before asking my friend to come down and live in this city which was once a city full of joy.

Lastly, no, PoBo isn’t the sister of SoBo and neither South Kolkata is the only sophisticated posh area of Kolkata. FYI, I can find you the most sophisticated lads in Burdwan too! Who has much more better knowledge of women than you do!

I don’t have any personal grudge against you. You just disappoint me to the lowest level of humanity. I am so disappointed that I will have to disappoint my parents by never agreeing to marry a BONG dude. Thanks. And please shave you arm-pits, they stink more than a girl's!

36 comments:

meethimirchi said...

where is moi roosoooogoooolaaaaa.... :D

Dibyendu Das said...

Fantastic

Shan said...

So basically, whatever they do - they can't win.

Ankit said...

Wow.. Ultimate.. every word is correct.. awesome..

ManBooze said...

Well written.But the only Bengali guys I know have accents which makes "whole" sounds like "whore" :| and Yes I like to wear chappals all the time too But this clean city of yours doesn't permit it so I have stopped going out altogether

Sophia Ali said...

Wah kya baat hai...totally impressed with this post...

Arkaprava Dan said...

"...hard for me to wonder in which part of the city you come from."
"...what is wrong in those jeans..."
"Being Human t-shirts were sustainable..." (TOLERABLE!)
"...those long spiked hair."
"...those oily swallow’s nest..."
"Which is quite good if you are living in Kolkata however it goes beyond my imagination when you flaunt your ID card of that IT industry where all of you want to work?" (a garbled mess)
"...all they want is their guy is well settled..."
"...there is no harm in that but please don’t have to fake..."
"No I don’t want to..." (missing comma - many more such punctuation errors, not pointing them out)
"Please find in your close circles."
"And no you are no intellectual and the only educated chap in this city."
"This act of yours will only proves what big ARSE you are."
"Very soon, we will have to travel on cow pulled cart coz sincere thanks to your great knowledge in politics you have selected such beautiful leaders who are damn busy about degenerating Kolkata." (bullock-cart, ox-cart. There are no "cow pulled" carts, cows are feminine, not suited for hard work. Also, you're a CPM supporter. How amusing. I'm not surprised.)
The last-but-one paragraph is a grammar-nazi's nightmare.
The cream of the crop was, "Stop complaining that you’re EX was a dumb."
Oh my god. "Your" = possessive, "you're" = "you are".
And lastly, I think no "bong dude" would want to marry you either.

Tell me, that English grad degree of yours (with Honours! wow!)... Where did you buy it?

Phata_Juto said...

well, ma'am...found it to be a fascinating read...an eye opener of sorts. but then can you say why, on the streets, and in the malls (from city centre to south city)...i see these "being human" dudes, sport a "chick" (sorry for the derogatory term, but this is how they are referred, and seem to enjoy it) in one arm along with the latest blackberry model in the other hand.
are you then only one of a kind, a sort of "neo" liberated from among the 1000s of other hunk/dude loving bong ladies, stuck in the matrix?
if so, i would like to extend a formal date invitation to you, before you commit to a non-bong, 'cause i seem to fulfill much of your demands.
i do'nt have an accent and speak normally, do'nt wear "guchi" tshirts, do'nt earn 30k (in fact i do'nt earn anything at this moment, currently, being between non-IT jobs), do'nt have cool mobiles, and mostly wear a shoe, or a covered leather chappal. though i am no great intellectual, but see many other movies than bodyguard, and know the difference between bideshini and bhindeshi. So if u are still interested, then we can discuss the last 34 years of red misrule versus the coming 5 years of green autocracy on our 1st date as a start (though political discussions are date-killers).
looking forward to your response.

Anonymous said...

start using appropriate title for your content. And don't generalize everyone by saying "Dear Bengali Boy"

Sudatta said...

@Arkaprava if u feel hurt u can go and file a defamation case against me. but obviously u won't return to read this comment. and btw I bought it from University of Calcutta. and u cud had written ur own comment rather than copy pasting.

@Patha_juto ur comment just made me giggle :P thank you ... ur comment is a comment to the above guy. or wait he might tag you as a dumb guy. and ur IIT degree may be forgotten in the process.

@anonymous - u surely ddnt read my post nicely. there is a part which states - "And before you start bashing up those real nice guys, the rare species who are sadly already engaged or have fled away from this city or has grown up in a different city," surely u missed tht part :P and yes u cud had given ur name, why so scared?

Sudatta said...

And everyone else thank you. It is just a blog post.

AB said...

very good write up.

i think i fit your bill perfectly, only that I really like BODYGUARD, I like HARRY POTTER and I also like SURAJ KA SATWA GHODA. Only, I can't show off my filmi gyan; I just like a story being shown on the screen. I don't want to know more.

also, I can't agree with your statement "Very soon, we will have to travel on cow pulled cart coz sincere thanks to your great knowledge in politics you have selected such beautiful leaders who are damn busy about degenerating Kolkata". All I can say on this is it's a TINA situation- there is no alternative, at least at this point of time. Enough damage has already been done. If more damage is in store for Bengalis, let it be from a new party.

Jyo Had3s said...

Outrage. Protibad. Brigade Cholo. Medium Fast unto death!

Phata_Juto said...

well...making ppl giggle is my motto.
and yeah, its jst a blog-post...so no hard feelings as such, though ur comments cater to a small fraction of metrosexual males inhabiting the city...u'll find such guys (dudes, whatever) in ny big city.
eg: http://raagshahana.blogspot.com/2011/09/open-letter-to-delhi-boy.html?spref=fb

btw, the offer of the date (maybe i'll tone it down to adda, to be less threatening and weird) still stands ;)

Arkaprava Dan said...

@Sudatta - I don't feel hurt, I'm a Bengali guy, born in Kolkata, raised in Andhra for the first 17 years of my life, and though I love listening to English songs, I sometimes feel nostalgic and listen to/sing Bengali songs from the 80's because my mom used to sing them when I was small, and I have no accent (neither Bengali, nor Telugu). I don't have anything to feel hurt about because your post does not describe me at all.

I returned to read your comment.

I could HAVE written my own comment, I did not because your words were enough. Honestly, I agree with at least half your post, but the rest half is so arrogant and hypocritical that I feel obliged to discredit it as a whole. You say you're an Eng (Hons.) grad, then write statements like these, especially when you're criticizing others' English... that's something I could not tolerate. Hence the post.

Ohh, Phata_Juto is an IITian? Good to meet one. I must've never met one before, right? I must be a dumb guy.
(Google my name. You'll find that right now, I'm sitting in IIT Kharagpur, with 8000 other IITians, studying Chemical Engineering.)

Arkaprava Dan said...

*Hence the comment.

And the IITian thing... Listen, the point is, an IIT degree is not that big a deal nowadays. There's an IITian everywhere you look. No disrespect to Phata_Juto, I'm sure he's a genius. Anyway, he was not the one showing off his IITian (non-)status, it was you thinking that it'd be a good point against me.

Suggestions from me - don't be so arrogant, try to accept valid criticism, and don't try to flaunt status (whether yours or somebody else's). They are just suggestions, I'm no one to ask you to change who you are.

I realize I was too confrontational, so I must be honest. I've read some other articles of yours. You write on interesting topics, and you have talent. Sort out the grammar & semantics issues, and keep writing :)

Sudatta said...

Google my name. I'm so sure it'll entertain you. And no I ain't arrogant. I've more bengali make friends than females. And yes I know I don't proof read. I need to do that. Just busy with examinations. And oh I used those coz ppl flaunt their degress so why not I now? And yes am glad you returned very few ppl does. Btw i replied something to anonymous you can read tht, i'm sure you'll agree.nd no I ain't arrogant. I've more bengali make friends than females. And yes I know I don't proof read. I need to do that. Just busy with examinations. And oh I used those coz ppl flaunt their degress so why not I now? And yes am glad you returned very few ppl does. Btw i replied something to anonymous you can read tht, i'm sure you'll agree.

Phata_Juto said...

hmmm...the argumentative indian(s)...Prof. Amartya Sen would be delighted :D (dunno whether smilies are allowed, i m not a serious blogger).
well, since i was inadvertently dragged into the argument for possessing some IIT degree, i would just say that human beings created degrees, and not the other way round. possession of a degree, may make us well informed academically, but does not necessarily make us better human beings.
we all have freedom of expression, but also should be sensitive to the feeling of others (just a suggestion).
@sudatta: you write on interesting topics. if you are interested in investigative journalism, i may have something for you, which may(or may not) make an interesting story...so if you are done with fighting blog-wars, i can give you the relevant details.

Phata_Juto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cosmic_wanderer said...

Enjoyed reading your post..

But can't comment on it from one perspective or another..

I am a Bong (At least a Pseudo bong... Born and brought up outside West Bengal.Never been to any part of WB till now)

Just one thought or observation or question...

Shouldn't this be to "Dear Kolkata boy" ..

Reason being: Yes, I am a Bengali Boy, But I can't relate to anything which you said about the characteristics of one here. All of them seem to be directed to Bong boys in Kolkata.

I shared the link to your post with many of my similar Born-and-brought-up-outside Bong Buddies and each and every one of them were perplexed, with a common question:
Woww.. is the situation really so bad

But having said that: These are your Personal Thoughts and you have every right of expressing them in a manner you want. And I wouldn't expect you to change anything in that.

I know I would never do that

So Cheers, Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Keep Writing.
Shrijeet

Enchanta said...

Such an awesome string of comments.

Bong female here, brought up in IIT Kharagpur by dear darling Professor father, WAS allergic to stereotyped Bong males and their "aatlami", but with time changed my views about Bong men as a whole, thanks to some immensely shown maturity and sensibility by some men of the very same species, only very different.

And well, interestingly, I am dating someone Bong now. (well yes, he is "probashi", spent all of his life outside of Bengal, but nevertheless the sentiments were intact)

I don't agree a commumity defines people. It might influence them to a certain extent but it certainly can't define them. As for the "Guchi" boys, you can find jerks of that sort in any community and honestly they are just the butt of an Indian girl's jokes and an insult to all the nice men out there.

D2 said...

I agree with cosmic wanderer in that you should have addressed Kolkata boys and not even all of them.
It's immature and impractical to generalize a whole group of people by what a few might be like. Those 'Guchi' clad men will be found in Delhi (where I live, though I am a Bong) and in Bombay and in Bangalore as well. If you're a keen observer, you'd even find a few such people in New York. I've seen them. I should know. And believe me, they were not Indian. Not even Asian.
The point is, that little things about some odd people don't make up the whole crowd and you can't define them as such. Of course, everyones' opinions are welcome everywhere; but before you decide to write something on a public forum (I see some people were quite pissed off), I believe you should write with a clear head instead of being biased, as it seems you were.
If you are going to say that I'm saying this because you've hurt my sentiments, I'd just like to say in advance that I'm Indian first, then a Bong. The only thing Bong about me are my parents and the fact that I can speak and understand the language well enough for most people.
I've only ever lived in Bengal for two years and so I hardly consider myself Bengali. Hell, I don't read Bengali or listen to Bengali music.

So, from one clear mind to a seemingly biased one, do take care.
Cheers.
:)

Arkaprava Dan said...

I agree with Enchanta and D2 said... 'Guchi' clad men will be found anywhere and everywhere. And the whole Bong-accent thing... I don't know, it seems to be a by-product of the fact that Bengali itself has lots of those 'o' sounds, as well as the fact that there isn't a 'v' letter in Bengali, hence all in all, Varun becomes "Bhorun". It can't be helped. My "Bong dude" friends want to become fluent with English, maybe to clear the GRE or TOEFL, or some other exam, and they'll speak English in whatever way they can. They must, in order to get familiar with it. And the culture degradation thing happens everywhere too... Bhindeshi/Bideshini thing.

All in all, it rather seems a pointless post, more pointless than most of your other posts, which were well thought out and did not bash a group of people meaninglessly. Also, I don't think the average "Bong dude" guy whips out his Chinese speakerphone on the bus... they are mostly tapori type characters. Anyway, this post has attracted a lot of attention.

All the best for your exams.

Sudatta said...

Well I had mentioned the rare species in one portion. Secondly, I rather not comment about boys of Mumbai bangalore n new york when there is much outrage going on over a delhi boy letter. 3rdly there are many kinds of bengali boys and yes bengali boys in kolkata, there are rare species, the simple ones and the ones who are in massive nos - call them the tapori or loafer ... i have more bengali male friends and when i mix with them n see the other clan i am disappointed badly. i love my city i want my city n their people to shine but that just isn't happening.

i have been living here and i am seeing them everywhere. these posts doesn't come just like that. but sadly it us who understands the situations end up reading these blogs and cry over like why such a blog. for once i could stand and give them lectures, the TAPORI ones. But then they are too busy in their own world. Oh yes I rather talk abt my own clan than some other. and YES i am an indian born in Kolkata, I believe in keeping my home clean before setting out.
And yes there are boys the non-taporis who intentionally try faking an accent and get caught, the sagarkia ghosh typos, who can for once pronounce Nikita but intentionally end up pronouncing it Nikitta. Don't know why. Oh did I say, I love blackberries?

In the end it is a fun blog. enjoy.

And thanks for the comments. I seriously don't mind.

Phata_Juto said...

well, yours is way better than the obnoxious "madrasan" blog. at least urs does not fan up regional sentiments...a few tapori sentiments maybe, but they are not much in to blogging anyway.
all said and done, it was a fun post, and I had good time reading it, and the comments, and commenting myself. kudos 2 u.
and yeah, blackberry is a technological marvel, and just wait nd watch there 4 the nxt rlz from RIM...they will blow ur mind.
and all the best for your exams :)

Rituparna said...

Hilarious & Rrue ... Men !

Anonymous said...

if you say its just a blog post more or less its a reflection of your mind... i do have lot of respect for people, but you just lost it..


i strongly believe, only that external appearance appeals to you..
eyes provide sight heart provides insight.. the latter, you doesn't seem have it..


yes I am an IT professional, i do earn 30k bucks.. but that's what my hard work pays me.. some how i am proud of it.. but i donn deserve to be berated by a pessimist like you..

"We all would love to see a simple, down to earth" pity your judgment..
yes i do flirt little with beautiful girls.. but that's just for fun.. and i have been sincere to my girl from the past 7 years..

yes i do watch english movies.. and i have been watching from my childhood..

by the way who actually cares your opinions, would suggest to keep it to yourself..
its my waste of time to write anymore about you...

Anonymous said...

i seriously pity you guys who are all applauding this post..

Sudatta said...

ANonymous - my brother is an works at an IT industry, married his gf, earns around 30k is hppy and for sure isn't anything whatsoever i wrote. more than me generalizing i see who is doing so. I pity you who sees world like that. Thank you.

Anujit said...

@ Sudatta : I would have liked your blog a little more if it was served with some more humor- atleast sarcasm
Without the humor, this is just another blog where you have type-casted a lot of people for some unknown personal cause of yours- the extremity of your views is the only reason your blog has received some popularity

Anonymous said...

Dis eez exclnt post. U rites excllnt english!!! U like new Shkspre. I very happy you tell Bengali bad. They all stupid, bad men. Like Dipjol. And smelly hair is also rite.

P.S. Darlin', it iz a flip-flop or a slipper, not flipper. Dolphins hve flippers.

Regards.
From guy from Bordhoman.

Black Rose Gal said...

Bordhoman man - converse flipperss? O_o

anirban roy said...

Well written Black Rose Gal. Loved your humor and observation sense too. Will look forward for your posts on similar subject.
Good going :)

Sunny said...

But your Bengali counterpart say Bengali girl/women are dumb,Low IQ,have not done any scientific inventions...probably they want to remain life long bachelor or they are addicted towards White?Jewish/Japanese.

Read Indian/Chinese IQ puzzle-comments of 3 Bengali guys(BTW I'm Marwari guy from Calcutta).

Trijit said...

Another article written here from inferiority complex;only people whose brain is filled with pile of garbage will write such crap.

To blogger,you don't have to marry any Bengali guy because you can rest assure no intelligent Bengali guy will ever marry any Bengali or any other predatory dumb Indian.

Many from our generation who are famous are getting married with white/Ashkenazi Jew or north East Asian but most famous ones are unmarried...well Read that blog which Sunny has mentioned and you will get every bit of it.

Sampan said...

So here it goes.The person who gave the penultimate comment is my friend & was instrumental to notify me about it.

Can't say about other Bengali guys accent but mine is similar to BPL commentators.Thanks to my extreme passion for sports.

Don't make funny troll[you saw Ania Sengupta was doing it in twitter & what we did(actually brian Cox on 31st Dec tweeted dt be protected from those drivel)].

FYI:In twitter many many ppl from US/UK are following who are actors,actress,singer,journalist,musician,politicians & many many scientist...so it's not possible to talk or even make a fun!keep craving & I'm witnessing all tweets from 2000+ ppl many of whom are Bengali(from Kolkata actors/actress,journalist to directors...I mean entire Kolkata is watching(don't really care much about rest of the ppl).

FYI:Finally don't make generalization-Sambit gave dt comment at majorityright only because few Bengali(1 of them was an IIT faculty) wrote a serious drivel mocking an entire community.

So we just differentiated into groups.And from my personal experience Bengali Brahmin girls are far far ahed than their white counterpart but again our population is decreasing in every single day.Sambit's own elder daughter is an EE PHD from Imperial..what he said was directed for those who wrote drivel(not any Brahmin).