Dear Bengali boy, what’s with the accent?

Before you give me a stupid reason that you studied in some St. Bla Bla School or some convent where the brothers and their fathers made you pay fine if you didn’t talk in Angrezi, let me tell you something, I studied in one of those St. Bla Bla Schools too. And if you say my English is poor and I don’t speak proper English, well let me tell you once again, I did my grads with English Honours and I came 1^st among girls and 2^nd in the whole class, so cut the crap.

What’s with the fake accent my boy? Like “I-Am-Soon-To-Move-Out-Of-Bengal-Soon-To-Be-A-NRI” accent. When you pronounce “What” it sounds like “Howot”, your fake English makes it hard for me to wonder in which part of the city you come from. I am damn sure Prof Higgins would have quit his hobby cum profession hearing you ‘speek’.

And what is wrong in those Jeans that never seem to fit your waist. Are you trying to become one of those zero-figure models or is it that you are out of belts? No matter how fat you are, they always seem to go down, down and down. Gives me a feeling that you guys are more desperate than the porn stars who are always ready to drop their pants!

I don’t get the point of you all wearing fake Puma, Adidas, Reebok apparels and trying hard to convince your friends that it is “O-ri-genal”. I know you guys are real jealous of your North Bengal species whose style of dressing and even the way of their upbringing has made many girls go gaga. But dearest I would prefer my Bengali Boy and not Bong Dude to wear a simple White Kurta-Pyjama rather than a Levi’s t-shirt whose fabric has faded with the first two wash or the Gucci jeans whose print spells – GUCHI.

And please note, even I love wearing flippers to work or classes but I seldom give in to the idea. Thanks to our SOOOPER CLEAN city. So please stop wearing those flippers that never get cleaned and whose red colour looks like some copper artwork on your feet. Please note, girls have a fascination and obsession about clean shoes and feet, so next time you come with long nails, dirty feet, I will probably end up buying you a Vim Bar and Scrotch-Brite.

And gosssssssh what is wrong with your choice of tattoos? Being Human t-shirts were sustainable but a Being Human tattoo? Are you a human being?

As for the hair part, not everyone looks good with those long spiked hair. Please note in this whole world there can be only one JIM MORISSON or Kurt Cobain. And Dhoni isn’t your distant relative and neither is John Abraham. Even they have cut down so please go to some Salon and fix those oily swallow’s nest on your head.

Boy, I know you earn around 30K a month. Which is quite good if you are living in Kolkata however it goes beyond my imagination when you flaunt your ID card of that IT industry where all of you want to work? And the next time you try flaunting to me that “Look I work in IBM”, let me tell you, no girl is interested in your profession; at the end of the day all they want is their guy is well settled and has a respectable job.

We all would love to see a simple, down to earth, no wannabe-desperate HUNK guy instead of a guy who seems like as if he is going on a national level competition of “I got to compete with DELHI-MUMBAI-BANGALORE DUDES”. For god’s sake, we are all Indians, born into different cultures. You don’t like Rabindranath Tagore, cool, there is no harm in that but please don’t have to fake that you know so much about him and love his songs and lyrics so much that you mix Bideshini or Bhindeshi.  Bhindeshi is Chandrabindoo’s song and yes Chandrabindoo, Cactus, Bhoomi and Fossils aren’t the only bands in Kolkata. There are more.

No I don’t want to go with you to the same Park Street restaurants every time we go on a date. Park Street is not the end of the world. It is no Hogwarts and the only sustainable place in Kolkata. I love Park Street but am tired of your Flurys, One Step Up, The Street Café, Oly Pub dates. I prefer a Babu’s Hotel now. Gosh we have gone there so much that every time I visit those places with my friends now, the waiters come and ask, “Madam how are you? Sir kaise hai?”

Can you please stop being the DJ or the RJ while traveling in the bus, train or auto? It’s really irritating. Already there is so much of noise and then you come out with your TWO SPEAKER WALA CHINESE HANDSET playing some KUMKUM title track which I'm sure your mother has also stopped watching.

You want a girlfriend? Please find in your close circles. Stop courting people in the metro or while she is crossing the road or waiting for a taxi. You will probably get bashed up by her brother’s hooligan-friends. Yes you never know which family she might belong to.

And no you are no intellectual and the only educated chap in this city. Please stop watching only those faltu BODYGUARD types of movies to prove how much you know about cinema. Also if you don’t like metal songs don’t go to metal concerts and mosh to break chairs, desperately trying to prove what a BIG metal head you are. This act of yours will only prove what big ARSE you are.

Stop complaining that you’re EX was a dumb. I have finally discovered why there are plenty of dumb girls in Kolkata. They were invented to cater your sick minds. So you deserve them more than anything else in this world. They are your personal trophies. Equal to Oscars. And before you start bashing up those real nice guys, the rare species who are sadly already engaged or have fled away from this city or has grown up in a different city, DUDE, zip your jeans and wash your hands, they stink.

Thanks to you, Kolkata is going from red to green, green and greener. Very soon, we will have to travel on cow pulled cart coz sincere thanks to your great knowledge in politics you have selected such beautiful leaders who are damn busy about degenerating Kolkata. Thanks to you, I think twice before asking my friend to come down and live in this city which was once a city full of joy.

Lastly, no, PoBo isn’t the sister of SoBo and neither South Kolkata is the only sophisticated posh area of Kolkata. FYI, I can find you the most sophisticated lads in Burdwan too! Who has much more better knowledge of women than you do!

I don’t have any personal grudge against you. You just disappoint me to the lowest level of humanity. I am so disappointed that I will have to disappoint my parents by never agreeing to marry a BONG dude. Thanks. And please shave you arm-pits, they stink more than a girl's!