Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Dear Jim

I have never meant to hurt you or let you down. You are the sole reason why I want to go back home every night, after a tiresome day and hide inside my blanket. You make me feel warm and cosy and the moment when you put your broad, wide arms over my shoulder, I just feel everything is right in this world and at its place.

There are having been times, when I have shouted at you and you didn't make a single sound and went inside to your room, falling back in your space. There has been moments, when I have left you all alone and went out with the girls to have a blast, leaving you all alone in the big house, to find your own way of having some fun. Yet you never left me alone or decided to walk out of the house, free and have fun with those few little beasts that makes my sound sleep into a nightmare, most nights. There were times when the door was wide open and the option of leaving me alone to myself was given to you. Yet you stood there, looking straight into my eyes, making me believe that - you will always be there for me.

Times have been difficult. So has been life. It has been mean. It gave you the freedom to run wild and crazy and me the freedom to express. We understood quite well where we stand. However, you remained what I wanted you to be. Whereas you let me be me, you dared me to fly, to ever be the chosen one to touch the sky, promising me you will be one step behind.

I have asked you to act smart, soft and decent whenever I decided you to take out. Everyone loved you, adored you. I felt I did the right thing by bringing you into my life. In return, you have never asked for anything, forget demanding.

I have never apologised for being rude or unpleasant, yet you have always come up and apologised to me over and over again, even if it hasn't been your fault. You have forgiven me always, but there have been times, when I refused to even listen.

Time won't be with us. Soon either of us will go away. However, no matter where we may be, you promised to look over me, I don't know whether I ever promised to do so.

However, Jim, you will always be my Prince, the one and only lovely man in my life. Someday I will find someone, with whom I would love to walk a million miles but the puppy that I fell in love with six years ago, will always be my Prince. No one can take my Jim's place!


The post is a continuation of Part I - Perfect…, Part II - She is not so Perfect but..., Part III - Perfectly ending up at the wrong place, Part IV - Perfectly estranged and Part V - The imperfect perfect abiding

Friday, 2 November 2012

I will defeat you in Thinking



I realised long time back that people cannot survive without thinking. And if any person today say I don't think, he or she is practically living a life of lie.


I am one of those folks who thinks too much. Earlier I used to think if there is any job which pays for sleeping then I would have become millionaire by the end of my college. But, with present circumstances, I guess if there is any job which pays for thinking, I can become a billionaire by 25.


The amount of thinking I would do, is a Guiness record itself. For example, travelling to office, I am listening to Why Georgia by John Mayer, writing all these but thinking of work and extended work. So you see how much of thinking I can do. Noise, place, crowd doesn't matter to me. Okay, while writing all these, another thought crosses my mind, that I didn't water the plants! See the multi-layer thinking I can do?




My thoughts are like multi-level random networking. And I 'THINK' I can do well with the thinking process.


If Dumbledore had to present his Pensieve, I am sure it would have seem so small to me. I need a Pensieve an hour.


With that thought, and lots of random thoughts that I have no control of, like lunatic sperms, I sign off. Let the people around me Rest In Their Own Thoughts.


Leaving with thought - "O re manwa tu to bawra hai. Tu hi jaane tu kya sochta hai."




(The Black Rose Gal is soon going to City of Joy and is feeling restless. Her mind and thoughts are all scattered all over her place!)
 

Friday, 28 September 2012

MCA Diaries: Finding my way into Mumbai's cricketing culture


It has been quite some time when I last wrote a blog post. It is going to be two months now that I had written the last post and I, sincerely, don’t have any excuse for not writing. I have come across so many people, who even in their busy, and mind you, damn busy schedule manage to keep writing, not one or two posts but almost 350+ posts a year. And they aren’t paid for that! It is the passion that drives them. Not that my desire of writing is any less, just am a bit too comfortable in my lazy zone.

Having said all that, I have been real busy and a lot of things have been keeping me busy. No matter how much I work, I always find 24 hours too short for a day. Again it is the mind. However, there has been are few interesting things that has been keeping me busy – My job, my dreams, desire, and life in my favourite city.

So when I made a visit to this particular place, where I have visited more than five times in this month by now, I decided to type down my MCA diaries. Now take my blog to be my diary and this post to be one of those pages!

MCA Diary – September 26, 2012


 


By now I have gulped the Expressway route to Bandra Kurla Complex (BKC) and literally I found it tiring to visit that place. Yes it is true, the area always gave me an elevated feeling of – “look I am in an up-market area,” but more than that I still believe BKC should had been a place for Formula One rather than some NCR area. And Hamilton’s visit just proved my point.

Anyways, I hadn’t decided to visit BKC today. More particularly MCA aka Mumbai Cricket Association. Being a cricket journalist is no fun, if you don’t make these frequent visits to MCA (be it BKA or Wankhede) and CCI (grandeur). So after starting my day’s work, around 9:30 AM when my colleague called that I should come as there was someone to handle my work at office, I was like – “okay let’s do this.”


 


I got ready and as I was getting ready, the idea of travelling in a train bugged me. I had a good-night’s sleep and I didn’t want to destroy my rested body to get tired of the journey. And the idea of travelling via Dharavi and crossing all that stupid traffic irritated me. I had only one option, travel via Kurla and this was a route that I was yet to perceive.

Anyways, I prepared myself and left for the interview that me and my colleague had long planned for (as we wanted to get done with it).




I left and was lucky enough to find a kind rickshaw that at the first approach didn’t refuse to travel. And finally I was on my way, via a new route, to MCA.

As I was approaching MCA, I realized, am yet to know many parts of my city well. And this I realized so late as I found myself to reach within fifteen minutes, which previously used to take at least half an hour. Yes, very funny.




As I entered, this time, the welcome was far different than the first time. When I had gone for the first time, like a lost kid, I found myself being blocked by three security guards – “Tumi Sir ko phone karo, wohi ake apko leke jayenge.” And my reaction used to be – “Kya re? Mera interview lega kya woh?”

Anyways, a lot changed in one month. The guards know me well and as soon as I approached, not three, but five of them saluted. Being a humble human being, I saluted back in my own style. (Yes I am humble :->)

I didn’t had to mention who I came to meet and funny part I didn’t even realize the guards already knew whom I went to meet. Before I could sit at the lobby and have a glass of water, I found myself being escorted to the practice ground, facing few of the famous Mumbai cricketers. They clearly seem to had finished with their practice session, however, I have no idea, whether out of boredom or “I am just chilling”, they were roaming near the nets.


 


Slowly they wrapped up and the person-of-honour had appeared, however, he had other plans of keeping us waiting. I didn’t mind as long as I could admire the field, the empty gallery, antique structure and some occasional hi-hellos.

The interview got over in no time, without we realizing that none of the replies worth it. He kept us waiting, finally he came, he saw, he fooled and left. (Not literally).


 


While leaving we found some television commercial being shot. My eyes even found an Albie Morkel look-alike. But sadly it wasn’t the real.





However, this visit has been a totally different from the first and even the last time I visited. I always used to take out sometime to check the picture on the wall, pictures of Ranjitsinhji, early days of Mumbai cricket, etc. And moreover, the recognition that I have acquired in such a short time. The salutes make me feel good but more than that it’s cricket and the fun of visiting one of the finest cricketing academies.



 P.S. My favourite is still Brabourne!


Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Moving into my new home - Starting a new journey


Time – 01:16 AM Date – July 04, 2012

I always wanted a house of my own. When I was in Calcutta, I always dreamt of having a bungalow of my own but never in the city of joy. My ultimate dream was to come and live in Bombay, for me and many others the city of dreams. I came. Went on visualizing a place of my own. An apartment which I can decorate the way I wanted. 

Today when I am writing this, after six months of living in Bombay (not that this is my first visit but living on my own), I am writing from my own apartment, even though sharing with two more girls, listening to my favourite music – John Denver, Jim Morrison, Lobo, John Mayer, I feel full of joy and satisfied. I fought and struggled to get this place. I got. And then found two other girls with whom I can share this place, not that am so keen on. An intellectual and liberal mind of mine likes to live and enjoy solitude. However now that I have everything, I miss something, miss sharing this joy of ‘look this is my place, my own home that I have always wanted’ with someone.

This is not my dream home but the home that sets my path to my dream life. Hopefully, on this journey of building the desired life for myself, I will find someone with whom I can share the joy. Private and loved. And then I don’t have to blog down these wishes.I believe in my dreams, I believe in the power of visualizing, I believe in me.

P.S. I walked in the rain today, alone, felt good. Bombay rains – thou I love. Currently listening to John Mayer’s Who says! “It’s been a long night in New York City (Bombay for me), It’s been a long time since 22, I don’t remember you looking any better Then again I don’t remember, don't remember you”.

[Black Rose Gal is a dreamer, dreams big and is not a crazy mad girl. She believes she is a visionary ;-)]

Monday, 7 May 2012

The imperfect perfect abiding


So tell me where you have been all these days.

She stared at the gate and wondered where is Jim, why isn’t he there to greet her?

She stopped before opening the door.

Hello, am asking you something?

Yes, come inside.

They walked together and went inside. She pointed without pointing her that she should sit at the drawing room and wait for her to come back.

She went inside to search Jim. Finally she found the boy sleeping on her bed, like a human being, as if waiting for her to come home soon and he will just dragged her to the bed and soothe her. She stood at the door and leaned at a side. Jim suddenly woke up and jumped and ran towards her. She fell down on the floor due to the heavy weight of his body. It felt good but it didn’t soothe her, she felt heavy and didn’t know what to say, how to react. She felt as if a tear will be rolling out of her eyes but before it did, Jim started licking her face and she let him. Few minutes later, her friend came over and stood there watching them. She smiled back to her friend.

She pushed Jim at a side and got up.

So this is the man of the house who keeps you busy and keeps you away from everyone else?

Sort of.

I am happy for you. So what else? You are gonna show me your little pretty house? Or you are gonna stay numb and not talk.

Uhmmm, come in, let me show you.

She took her around the house, showing her off the petty little stuff she had bought over the years, decorating the house dispassionately, hoping that the objects will give life to the quiet little bungalow by the corner of the street.

So that’s it. Nothing else.

You know you stopped talking, you used to talk a lot, like a really lot.

Yes I still do, come over to my office and you will know.

Her friend giggled and she smiled. She told herself – That felt good but that good feeling was void of emotions and senses of a human being she used to be. Energetic, aff…

They sat at the drawing room. She made some coffee for herself and tea for her friend. She knew her tastes more than anyone else. She knew that her friend loved listening to her. She loved her non-sensical blabbering and everything she did. Now she didn’t do anything to her. She did nothing around her. She was just simply sitting and entertaining her friend with silence.

You angry with me because something?

Why would I be angry with you? I was never angry with anyone and I was never with you or anything you did.

Woah! I didn’t ask so much!

I am just telling. Once you say I don’t talk; now I am and you are saying…

Hush! Her friend came close and put her fingers on her lips. The touch made her remember everything they had and everything she thought she lost, maybe she intentionally lost.

So what’s the plan for today? It seems you aren’t going office.

No I am not. I will just chill back. I will sleep, watch movies, eat and may be going out for walk at night.

Mind I join?

She stared at her. She wanted to say yes but more than she wanted her to go away forever. She didn’t want to go through the same things again. She was happy being a loner.

It’s ok if you don’t want me to. May be you can come over to my place and hang out, if again, you want to.

You live in another world. I live in another. Its ok you can stay.  So what do you need tell me. I will get you.

Hello, will you stop being so formal.

I guess mixing up professionals over the last few years have made me one.

Very funny. Let’s go to my place, plus the kids will be happy to see you. They have heard so much about you.

Kids?!?!

Yes!

When did you have kids?

Are you ok? In which world are you living? The last time we met remember I was carrying two twins?!

Those were yours?

I give up.

I never remember you mentioning about it.

Yes you don’t coz you were busy in thoughts, too full of hatred for things around you and for …

Look, you are wrong. I came from office. Plus I didn’t know anyone there.

Then why did you come?

Coz I had to.

And why it is that so.

She went silent.

Look, I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I am sorry that the last time we met I reacted in a wrong manner. You were always with me but I wasn’t when you needed. And maybe if I was there then, maybe, you would not be what you are now.

And what am I now?

Alone, which you never wanted to be.

Ultimately it is my choice that I am here now, isn’t it? Why are you cribbing about it if I am not.

Coz I don’t want you to be sad.

She laughed out loud hearing her.

Sad? Which part of my house, my dress, and my life says I am sad?

The mirror says.

What the mirror can talk now?

Stop being a cynic! Stop acting like a witch.

Maybe I was always like this. Time just polished out the real me.

If you are trying to piss me off, it isn’t going to work. And now you are coming with me to my house. That’s it, final.

You know I don’t want to.

Coz you hate…

Did I ever say so?

Do you ever say anything?

Can you leave me to myself? I am happy being alone.

There you said it. Now come on pack up.

I can’t. I need to be with Jim.

Are you nuts?

No I am in love with him. That’s my boy and I am seeing him after 30 hours.

Why where were you?

I was… Nothing.

Oh c’mon, stop being a spoil sport. And with that, her friend dragged her out of the house. And She pushed her into the car and instructed the driver to drive. As the car was driving away slowly towards the direction of an unknown day, she was looking back at Jim, whose face was visible through the glass window.

I’ll be back in no time. Hang on boy.

Black Rose Gal have no patience. But she knows how to wait. She is a pessimist who speaks positive, teaching her own-self how to practice what you preach.

The post is a continuation of Part I - Perfect…, Part II - She is not so Perfect but...Part III - Perfectly ending up at the wrong place and Part IV - Perfectly estranged

The Perfect series for the readers.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Perfectly estranged


“So, I get to see you after so many days. What brought you here?”

She woke up, hoping, she will be waking up, to those questions. But destiny and the burning morning sunlight had other business kept for her. Realizing where she was, she kick started the car again, and drove back out of the town, back way homeward.

Her mind went back, making her mind cling on suddenly to the old old things; she felt heavy and left a silent sigh and hoped and wondered if things weren’t the way it were.

She stopped, in the middle of the road, without warning the world around. The thoughts kept on coming, rushing and clotting her head. She picked up the phone, it was 6 AM, “too early for office people to realize they have office; too early for … to wake up.”

She called up her most trustworthy chap in the office and cancelled all her meetings. She decided to give office a miss. She felt good, for the first time in the morning.

As she was nearing her home, she stopped her car, and decided to buzz in for a cup of coffee. Rarely or maybe she never ever wanted to try the morning coffee and the catch-you-at-breakfast, as her past and she were never morning people. But now things are different. No matter when she goes to sleep, she is awake at sharp 7. Most of the time, forcing her body against its own will. Then almost two hours of gym and back home, freshen up and off to office. This has been her daily routine for quite some time.

But the perfect world that she had made around herself, was so near to perfect or almost cosmetically perfect that inside, deep inside, she longed for a break, a change, a ray of hope. She just couldn’t handle the thoughts that came rushing in her head. She needed coffee, badly.

As she entered the café, a smell of I-once-so-loved-smell came. She walked really slowly to the counter and without glancing at the menu, she decided what to order. She always came decided.

“One black coffee, with double shot of cocoa and another simple regular coffee with only one spoon of milk. Sugar we’ll add. What say Miss?”

A familiar voice struck her head. She didn’t want the familiar voice to be who she was thinking it to be. But who was that person. She knew. She almost forced her head to turn and saw that person standing in front of her, all smiles and wanting to hug her back. She felt the happiest and yet a deep melancholy note got stuck inside her stomach, climbing up to her heart and finally striking a note on her left hand and choking her voice. She wanted to grab the person and hug that person hard. However, her composed and disciplined ‘SHE’ protested against her emotions and she stood there with blank expression.

“What not excited to see me? Or wondering why the hell she is bothering me?”

Her mind asked her own self – Should I speak? Should I react the way my inside wants? Should I say what I really want to? Or should I just say what should be said?

“What’s wrong?”

Her lips moved, she decided to speak. She paused, thoughts came to the tip of her tongue, she phrased her sentences quickly and said – “Hi.”

“Bas? That’s it? No asking how are you? Where have you been? How come you are here?”

She wanted her best friend to read her mind. She was tired mentally, physically, emotionally to say anything. And the question struck her head – Are they still the way they used to be? Nothing remained same. 

Shouldn’t she had been sure when long back they bowed and called themselves as best friends and to remain so, eternally?

Words were just not coming out of her mouth yet there were so many things she was saying.

The coffee arrived and her eyes went down, as if she found some really important stuff to concentrate on but she was actually concentrating more on her thoughts that she was trying to think and say without saying.

“So c’mon tell me where have you been? It’s not that you disappeared, maybe we got busy. But am so glad I found you this morning or else it is really hard to catch you. You are always on your own damn world of work and I need some space. How is life? You know I never thought I will be asking you such questions once?!”

She got up without saying anything. She wanted to leave but she stood there.

“What happened?”

And then frustrated she lied – “I am finding this place uncomfortable. I need space. It’s congested.”

“We can go to our place if you want but you might be having office, so I won’t force you.”

She wanted to come yet she wanted to be with Jim. It has been more than 24 hours than she hadn’t seen him.

“How about you come to place if that is ok with you?”

They looked into each other’s eyes for few seconds. Her friend knew that she didn’t want to be with her because there were a lot of things that was bothering her about her presence. And she knew that her friend got to knew what her mind was thinking. Wasn’t this the reason they loved each other a lot?

“Come lets go to your place. You have a lot to update ourselves with. Uhmmm, but your office?”

“I just woke up at a place which made me realize there is no harm in screwing up your perfect and ideal lifestyle, for a day or two or forever, everyday.”

Black Rose Gal believes whatever happens, happens for a reason; be it for the better or worse. It was always meant to happen and no one can stop it from happening. So no one has the right to question that happening. However anyone and everyone can judge the situation as it is a human nature to judge. But whatever you decide after judging, be sure that your judgment is correct, or else it is going to affect you till the end.

The post is a continuation of Part I - Perfect…, Part II - She is not so Perfect but... and Part III - Perfectly ending up at the wrong place

The Perfect series for the readers.